Content: Collaboration by Cast (& Matt & Danny)
Starring (in order of appearance):
Amy: Noël Madison: Mika Sayuri: Ryan
Aditi: Meredith Henry: Will Dr. Fu: Tim
Radio: Jake (?) Dr. Hammer: Solomon Dr. Bao: Chinmay
scene i: Outside the Spice Pad
Amy: I can’t believe they bought the dolphins! [sound effects & faces]
Madison: I don’t believe they’re gullible enough to still think NASA stands for "National Aeronautics and Space Administration".
Sayuri: Be nice, guys. We were like that when we were young.
Aditi: NASA does make a good cover, though. Only a government bureaucracy could get away with a mission as dumb as searching for fish on Europa.
Madison: Everyone knows that we’ve already found them on Ganymede.
Aditi: What?
Madison: You should read the prophecies of Douglas Adams more often, Aditi. He had this class nailed.
Sayuri: Class 42… The secret to life, the universe, and everything…
Madison: Not just that, but the title of his book "So Long and Thanks for all the Fish" spells it out loud and clear. Now we know where the dolphins migrated to.
Aditi: If they are The Answer, then maybe they’re right about Dr. Hammer being a secret spy.
[enter Henry]
Henry: Hello Amy, Madison, Sayuri… Aditi. Nice lecture about Jupiter’s icy moons, Amy. I didn’t know JPL knew that much about Jupiter.
Amy: They don’t. I added some information I learned from personal experience.
Aditi: Amy, why did you and Brian break up?
Amy: I don’t like the long distance thing.
Aditi: I pull it off with my boyfriend.
Amy: Yes, but 390692605 some-odd miles is a bit far.
Aditi: Wait, it’s approximately 861 miles from here to Colorado.
Amy: And quite a bit further to Ganymede…
scene ii: Inside the Spice Pad
Dr. Fu: How did lecture go, Amy?
Amy: All right, but I could use a few fish…
Aditi: Stupid dolphin…
[Enter Dr. Hammer]
RADIO: News Flash! Much to the dismay of children everywhere, SeaWorld has been bombed. Over 40 dolphins were killed or injured, including the lovable Flipper…
Dr. Hammer: Yes! Uh, I mean, No! How tragic that so many flith-uh… poor little brut-dolphins died…
Sayuri: Ah, shuddup ya little punk! Be careful, or I’ll have Henry teach you a lesson…
Aditi: Who are you to order Henry around?
Dr. Fu: Anyway, team, quiet down. Madison has an announcement.
Madison: Late last night, after the telescope "broke" and we sent the kids to bed, I received another message on a glass plate. The mission should be delivered at 20:32:43 sidereal time tonight.
Dr. Hammer: I’ll receive it. I’m the only one who understands sidereal time anyway..
Dr. Fu: Are you sure there’s such thing as a Celestial North Pole?
Henry: Aditi, may I talk to you for a moment?
Aditi: Sure thing.
[Dr. Fu, Dr. Hammer, Madison, Amy, Sayuri freeze]
[Aditi, Henry "exit" to other side of space]
scene iii: Outside the Spice Pad
Aditi: What did you want to talk to me about?
Henry: ‘Twas brillig and thus slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe.
Aditi: What is that suppose to mean?
Henry: E.T. call home.
Aditi: Cut out the codes and tell me what you’re talking about.
Henry: You’re not very good at integrating into other cultures, are you? Like the American legend E.T., it’s time for us to call home. The Lithuanian Secret Network of Spies is getting anxious to here from us.
Aditi: These telephone calls are getting mighty expensive…
scene iv: Inside the Spice Pad
[Dr. Fu, Dr. Hammer, Madison, Amy, Sayuri reanimate]
Madison: You know, you really shouldn’t drink so much Mountain Dew in class, Dr. Hammer.
Dr. Hammer: It isn’t Mountain Dew.
Madison: Really? Then what is it?
Dr. Hammer: It’s… [telephone rings]
Dr. Fu: Secret Interplanetary Collaboration Team? Canadian secret agent John Stewart, code name Madison? Why, yes, I believe he’s acting as a double agent right now. Would you like to speak with him? No, you don’t want to blow his cover? Sure thing, I’ll let him know that the Canadian Government loves him very, very much, and ask him if he’s eating enough. You’re welcome. Goodbye. Madison!
Madison: I heard. I suppose I owe you all an apology now…
Sayuri: Never mind, you Canadian hippie. It’s time to suit up as penguins and eat.
Dr. Fu: Sayuri, be nice.
Dr. Hammer: Wha….? Oh, dinnertime!
[all exit, including Henry, Aditi]
scene v: Inside the Spice Pad
Dr. Fu: That kitchen staff sure knows how to feed us well!
Sayuri: Finally, away from the students. You know what that means.
Henry: What?
Sayuri: SUGAR!!
Aditi: What a lovely full moon tonight.
Dr. Hammer: Full moon! I better leave to … uh… receive the mission plate now. I’ll be baaaaaaa-ck…
Madison: Good luck, Dr. Hammer.
Dr. Hammer: [leaving room] I am Dr. Hammer, I am Dr. Hammer, I am Dr. Hammer, I am Dr. Hammer, I am Dr. Hammer, I am Dr. Bao! Bao. Mao Jao Bao. Whahahahahaha!
[everyone else exits, leaving Dr. Bao on stage]
scene vi: Inside the telescope dome
Dr. Bao: I am Dr. Bao. Damn, I look good. -23 degrees declination, hour angle of negative half-hour… Ah, here’s the mission… Ooooh, Chairman Mao won’t like this. I better develop it improperly. The mission they don’t know won’t hurt us.
scene vii: Inside the Spice Pad
Dr. Bao: Hey team, I’m home!
Sayuri: Who cares?
Dr. Fu: What’s the mission?
Dr. Bao: I have tragic news, team. [sniffle] The mission plate was faulty. The full moon overexposed the plate, and most of the letters are lollipops or potatoes… All I can read is "Mission: Extremely Difficult."
[Team breaks into theme music]
Madison: May I see the plate, Dr. Hammer? I have years of experience deciphering student plates to draw on.
Dr. Bao: Whoops!
Dr. Fu; Dr. Hammer, or should I say, Dr. Bao, why did you do that? Surely China is as interested in keeping peace between Earth and Jupiter as the U.S. is. All the other double agents here – Canada, Lithuania, my own country, the Azerbaijani Republic, and Switzerland –
Sayuri: How did you know?
Dr. Fu: Come on, I saw through that right away. You’re as pathetic as the students are about pulling pranks. I saw through that story about working in Switzerland as a housemaid for nine months right away.
Sayuri: Blast! Foiled again.
Dr. Fu: As I was saying, all these countries understand the need for
interstellar peace. Why doesn’t your country?
Dr. Bao: Hah! I fooled you all! I’m no more Dr. Bao, Chinese spy, than
I am Dr. Hammer, sedate researcher from Livermore Labs. I’m General Bao,
leader of anti-dolphin terrorist forces.
Amy: [screams]
[curtain/blackout]