PART 1 - DOME
Fu (to audience): Basically, what I’m basically trying to ridiculously and basically do, is something totally ridiculous, fix the scope. No tricks. Basically, I don’t need any tricks. But Newton and Leibniz, working in the 1600’s basically needed a ridiculous amount of tricks. And the neat thing is…
Voice: It is hopeless, Dr. Fu. (soda can opening) You’ll never fix the scope and get the measurements. Now prepare to die the worst death of all… death by bad movie plot!!!! Mwahahahahah. Was that good enough to be in a bond movie? (beat w/ keyboard) Dr. Fu: BEAT ME! BEAT ME MORE!!! I LOVE the pain!!
PART 2 – OUTSIDE
Justin: (twitch eyebrow) Dr. Fu is DEAD! Dr. Fu is DEAD!! We have to do something! Otherwise SSP will be moved to New Mexico! Let’s conduct a girls-only meeting in my dorm room! This will surely solve the dilemma. Things look bad. But through it all, I’m still so damn good-looking. It’s almost unfair. What will I do? Actually, I’m going to gel my hair…rephrase…what are the TA’s going to do, Aditi?
Aditi: Well, you know, Sayuri’s probably
still in her room smoking crack, and Madison just left for Woodstock. Oh,
and, um… I locked Henry in the darkroom, he has to do something for me.
Oh, and Dr. Hammergren’s at Manashdash again.
Justin: What are we going to do about
the telescope?! Meredith has to get my measurements! Those Rhode Islanders
sure are lazy.
Aditi: Oh, that’s not nice. Well, I
have to go now. I think Henry’s been in there long enough, I better go
check on him. (out, in) Hey Justin, do you have any cookies?
PART 3 - LIBRARY
Justin: You guys, did you know that Dr.
Fu is dead?
Tiffany: Are you guys still playing
this stupid game?
Justin: Stupid? This is the greatest
game in the world.
Tiffany: But you act like Dr. Fu’s
death is meaningless.
Justin: Everything is meaningless compared
to jump and bump …and my stunning appearance.
Chris: Oh ho! Who’s the fuzzy one now?!
Chinmay: That was a cheap kill!
Justin: Look at those evasive skills!
Chinmay: Oh man!
Justin: Oh! You fool!
Chris: You got waxed! I’m so dangerous!
Justin: Oh! Ow!
Chris: I’m the fuzziest! I’m winning
even though Dott is the worst bunny. The arrow going up only allows Dott
to jump three quarters as high as Mijji and five sixths as high as Jiffy.
Oh! I’m waxing you all! However, the right and left arrows allow me to
exercise superior evasive techniques. Still, Dott is the craftier of the
three, but I’m partial to using the mouse myself. Jiffy, the buttery one,
offers a plethora of skills, ranging from mid-air turns to excellence in
underwater synchronized swimming…
Chinmay: Oh yeah?! Well, your mama’s
so stupid, she puts on her glasses when she goes to sleep so she can see
in her dreams.
Noel: Chris! Get up now, we have to go
measure! Whoo-pah!
Chinmay: Oh, hoooo! Ohhhhh! Oooooooo!
Chris! You got bitch slapped! Ohhhhh!
Noel: Danger, I’ve already centered
the star! Go read off the numbers! Whoopa! Go finish your notebook for
observing tonight! Whoopa! Chris, go lick the dirt off my shoes! I went
jogging at 4:27 this morning with Sayuri! Whoopah!
Chris: Maybe this time I won’t fall asleep
at the engine.
Chinmay: (sarcastically) It’s
common sense. Hey Chris, looks like your going to go measure your plate
now. See you in about three days. Ohhooooo! (laugh)
(exit Noel and Chris)
PART 4 – COMMON ROOM
(playing chess, with Danny sleeping
on the floor)
Justin: Is there chess in Rhode Island?
Cuz you sure play like there isn’t.
Meredith: Keep making fun of me and
I’ll have my quahog knock you into Connecticut.
Justin: But that’s only 10 feet away.
(makes a move)
Meredith: Fine. I’ll drown you in the
bubbler.
Justin: You’re being awfully vicious
today. Maybe the quahogs are getting to your brain. But seriously, I think
we might have to fix the scope ourselves.
Meredith (sighs): isn’t it time
for lecture?
Justin: Yeah, we should wake Danny
up.
Meredith: How long has he been here?
Justin: Half an hour. He hasn’t slept
outside of lecture in four days.
(goes over and pokes him)
Meredith: He’s not waking up.
Justin: Maybe we should stick a pawn
up his nose.
Meredith: No, that’s mean.
Justin: But I thought that was the
way it was done in Rhode Island.
(sticks pawn up nose)
Justin: Uh, he’s not waking up.
Meredith: How about the other nostril?
Justin: Okay.
Meredith: But if he stops breathing,
take them out okay?
Justin: Uh, he’s still out.
Meredith: Why don’t we just drag
him. We’re going to be late if we stay here any longer. (drags Danny
to the lecture hall)
Chinmay: Ohhh hoooo He has pawns up
his nose! Just like your
mama Justin! Hooooooo, you got bitch
slapped!
PART 5 – LECTURE HALL
(Dr. Hammergren is giving a lecture)
Dr. H: This is going to be a short
lecture today. (opens can)
Mika: Whooooohoooooo!!!!
Dr. H: We’re almost there. Now for
this last step.
Mika: Whooooohoooooo!!!!
Will: Uh, Dr. Hammergren, I’m not
sure I agree with that last step. Shouldn’t r dot vector dot rho vector
double dot, be r double dot vector cross rho vector dot?
Dr. H: Uhhh, let me check my notes…
…Uh, yeah, yeah, that’s right. Thanks. Yeah. (nods and mutters)
what the hell is Will talking about?…What’s a RA?
Tiffany: Well, according to an article
in Scientific American, the r vector dot notation is no longer universally
accepted, especially in Zimbabwe and New Jersey. Many countries now use
the newly invented apha-dec prime-axis notation invented 2 hours ago.
Dr. H: So that’s it.
Mika: Whoooohoooooo!!!!!
Will: But Dr. Hammergren, I’m still
not in agreement with that last proof.
Mika: Hey dude! We’re done okay? Whooohooooo!!!!!
Dr. H: Wait, before you leave, I
have an announcement. SSP will be moved to New Mexico.
Will: (boisterous laugh) HAHAHAHAHA
Tiffany: According to another article
in Scientific American, New Mexico’s terrain will be incapable of sustaining
its ecosystem in 25.486 years, mainly due to an increasing lack of gravity
caused by multiple singularities torn in 17 different dimensions.
Dr. H: No, (smile and nod) It
really will be moved to New Mexico. The telescope is broken and Dr. Fu
has passed away. (nodding)
Will: (boisterous laugh) HAHAHAHAHA
Mika: Whooohooooo!!!
(akward pause)
Mika: What?! Dude! I love New Mexico!
Chinmay: Hooooooo, you got bitch slapped!
Tiffany: In an article about dogs
in the most recent issue of Scientific American, bitches are found to be
more prone brain hemorrhaging and are thus more aggressive and irritable
towards the opposite sex resulting in the term "bitch slap."
Mika: Dude, what are you talking about?
Chinmay: (head down, dejectedly)
I don’t know, I just like saying that.
PART 6-EOS DORM
Justin: We have to save SSP. Where’s
everyone? I bet people are in Eos dorm eating cookies. I’ll go check
there. (goes to infirmary)
(Orges sobbing)
Justin: What are you guys doing here
visiting the nurses?
Que Ahn: I got stung by a bee, again.
I don’t understand why bees always sting me. It’s not like I look like
a sunflower or anything.
Bertrand: This sucks ass.
Orges: I miss my mommy.
Bertrand: This sucks ass.
Orges: I miss my mommy.
Que Ahn: Yeah, my foot is swollen.
But not too swollen to KICK BERTRAND’S ASS!!!! You know I have twice the
manly strength that you have!!
Bertrand: YOU SUCK!!!!
Orges: Could I make a phone call
to my mommy? I miss her. Life in California is mad wack, yo.
Bertrand: Your foot is really swollen.
Maybe you should see the doctor.
Que Ahn: Now? I can’t see a doctor
until 4 am. The sun saps my possum strength. I hate when the sun is up.
Bertrand: My girlfriend is a possum?!?!?
Sucks ass!
Justin (to himself): This
is hopeless. Without everyone, we have no chance to save SSP. This ship
is going down in flames. And I’ll be the best looking one aboard.
Chinmay: Oh yeah? Justin, you’re so
ugly when you went to an ugly contest, the judges said, "No professionals
allowed".
PART 7 – OUTSIDE BRITTANY SPEARS
Matt: Hey look! There’s a homeless
guy sleeping on the bench.
(makes newspaper headline saying
will work for food and sets it down)
(Anya, Chris, Eric, Justin walk
by)
Chris: Aw man! Suniel’s reached an
all time low! I think he needs some help guys.
Justin: Yeah, we should always try
to help the less fortunate, less good looking masses.
(throws shower of coins then leaves)
Huy: Whooo hooo! Hey, there’s a homeless
guy, and his money! Bank it!
(takes the money)
(fire off fart machine)
Huy: Awww… awww man. Geez. Awww… Naaaasty…
(exit stage)
Tim: (picks up fart machine)
Dude, ooh, Huy got moded!
Chinmay: I have no idea why I’m in
this scene but Justin’s so ugly… well,… look at him!!!
Eric: Aww… fuzznuck… that car ride
was ghetto. Next time Chris doesn’t get to drive stealth mode. Shizzatch,
I can’t fix this scope. What a bizatch.
Anya: I don’t know. But if it’s NOT fixed,
I could always protest the move to New Mexico. I have lots of discipline.
Eric: You’d be great for the army.
Chris: …or an ANT COLONY!
Everybody: (finger snap! ant wiggle)
NEEEEEEEE!
Eric: Here, lemme take a look at
the telescope! Shizatch! This thing’s more fizatched than a bizatch! This
thing’s been totally crapazatched up! The problemzatch is so badzatch that
I can’t even usatch English properly anymorezatch!
Anya: We have no idea how to fix
the scope. SSP is doomed!
Chris: I know!!! I KNOW!!!
Eric: Shizatch
Chris: What the monkey?!?
Justin: Jesus (fart) Christ
Anya: Geez. But wait…
Chris: (Noel) Craaaaaaaaap!
Again! Again!
Eric: Dude, this is mad whack, yo!
Justin: Check it out. Check it out!
Chris: Moded, moded!
Voice: Poop on a stick!
(pause)
Anya: Poop…? …on a stick? … a stick.
Tycho Brahe’s stick! We can use that to measure the stars! Huzzah! The
day is saved!
(take measurements)
Eric: Oh, fuzznuck! This stick is too
dark. We have to do it again…
Chris: So after many hours up at the
dome with the stick, the SSP students finally got a good plate and helped
save SSP.
(more notes)
…So obviously we have a model for economics
and a definition for science. Now… um… hmm. I’m done. That completes the
skit. But I still haven’t mentioned money, sex, and fear. So, yeah. This
is money. I want sex. Are you afraid? (look).
PART 8 – DOME